Absence of Light
by sasuhina-fan7
Summary: Takes place before Brother My Brother. Warning mentions of child abuse. No matter what, Spencer seems to always see the eyes when it's dark.


**A/N: Alright thought I could give a treat also to my fellow Criminal Minds fans. This originally was going to be posted later but I thought to post it now. I'll also explain a bit more at the end. This story is loosely based on the episode "The Boogeyman".**

 **Disclaimer: If Aaron Hotchner isn't coming back to the show then I definitely don't own Criminal Minds -rages afterwards-**

" _I don't know why I'm of the woods. Why is Spence afraid of the dark?"_

" _Because of the absence of light."_

Oh how true that was. The true reason why he was afraid of the dark was because to him and his child self, bad thing always happened when darkness was around. Well, he couldn't exactly say always because bad things did happen to him in the day but the majority of the time it was at night.

He could remember a time when he wasn't afraid of the dark. It was before Spencer went to live with the Hotchners. He didn't need a nightlight or someone to hold him and tell him there were no monsters in the shadows to get him. If he had a normal childhood, Spencer could have bragged about it to kids his age and soaked up the awe he would have gotten. But Spencer Reid had what was far from a normal childhood.

Spencer could also remember when the fear first began. Mr. Hotchner - Spencer would never call him dad or any other word that showed any relationship to the man - had wandered in drunk one night. He was unsteady on his feet and it could be heard from the bedrooms as he stomped downstairs and tripped upstairs. Spencer had already knew how violent the man could be and had already took to staying in Aaron's room instead of Sean's for his safety. When he heard those noises, he gripped Aaron's pajama shirt and held his breath. Apparently Aaron heard him too and held Spencer a bit closer.

That night they were lucky and the last thing Spencer heard was Mr. Hotchner tripping in the hallway to get to his room and letting out a loud curse before finally reaching his room. Still, Spencer nor Aaron had slept for the rest of the night.

The next night it happened they weren't so lucky. Spencer's eyes snapped opened to the sound of glass smashing and stomping up the stairs. Aaron was already getting up and whispering for Spencer to get in the closet, but Spencer couldn't move as the footsteps grew closer and the bedroom door flew open fast enough to cause a crack in the wall when the door connected with it.

Spencer despite his eidetic memory couldn't remember what was being yelled afterwards but he remembered Mr. Hotchner punching Aaron in the stomach, causing his big brother to double over, before his eyes focused on Spencer. Those drunken red eyes were the eyes of the monster that came for little boys at night. They were the eyes of a monster that didn't mind reaching out to grab a small child as he tried to run. They were the eyes of a monster that his brother had to tackle before it could do any harm.

They were eyes that Spencer always saw in the dark.

Not even being away from that house was enough to banish those fears. The nights Spencer didn't feel the need to have Sean or Aaron lay with him like a baby were the nights Spencer tried to face his fears. The side lamp Aaron had gotten him as a night light would be turned off and Spencer would try to sleep. But every creak and sound made him jumpy and he swore he would see those eyes in every shadow. Eventually he'd be so wound up that he'd scramble to turn the lamp back on and prepare for a restless sleep or a terrible nightmare. By the time he graduated high school and was set for college, he had all but given up.

Well, Spencer didn't completely give up since he tried again while in college if for anything to not disturb his college roommate who wanted everything to be perfectly dark when sleeping. He was able to fall asleep once with it off to his credit but his roommate had also woken him up in the middle of the night with a worries loom on his face when he explained that Spencer had been thrashing in his sheet and screaming for help. The roommate had stopped complaining about Spencer sleeping with the lamp on after that night and Spencer had dealt with the frustration and embarrassment throughout the semester.

When he went home for summer break, Spencer tried for the last time. Again, he was able to fall asleep with the lamp off. By the time he woke up, he saw Aaron above him, trying to pin his flailing arms. The position and the lack of his glasses must have triggered something because Spencer swore he saw those same red eyes looking down at him and he flailed even harder.

"No! No! Please don't hurt me Mr. Hotchner!" He yelled.

"Spencer! It's me..ugh!" Spencer's arm must have broken away from Aaron's grip because it knocked him the cheek and caused Aaron to completely let go.

Spencer scrambled to the furthest corner of his bed just as the bedroom light turned on and bathed the room in light. Still in the midst of a panic attack, Spencer didn't notice Sean's own panicked voice asking what happened and footsteps moving towards him. Only when those footsteps were followed by his glasses being perched on his nose did he notice his surroundings.

"You okay, Mini Motor?" Sean asked.

"Oh god!" Spencer said when he noticed the bruise forming on Aaron's cheek, "I'm so sorry!"

"Don't it was my fault. I should have known better than to hold you like that." Aaron said while holding said cheek.

"No, it's mine for trying to stop this stupid fear!" Spencer yelled out in frustration and ran his hands through his hair in a frantic fashion, "I just wanted to go one night without having to use any light to sleep! I don't need it anymore!"

The room was silent after that with only the sounds of Spencer's heavy breathing filling the air. Sean had taken to putting a hand on Spencer's shoulder and rubbed it.

"Spencer," Aaron finally said and sat on the bed, "Are you ashamed of having to sleep with a light on?"

Spencer's body froze for a few moments, tears welling up in his eyes as he slowly nodded yes.

"Mini Motor, that's nothing to be ashamed of." Sean said and Spencer huffed, not even willing to dignify that with a response.

"Spencer, why do you use it?" Aaron asked.

Again, the room was silent as Spencer tried to think of a way to explain his reasons. The only thing it boiled down to was that…

"It keeps me from seeing the eyes," he admitted and looked up, tears falling from his cheeks, "No matter what I keep seeing his eyes when it's dark."

Aaron nodded, sitting on the bed but not coming any closer, "So maybe the lamp is there to protect you when Sean and I aren't able to."

Spencer blinked, the genius for once truly confused.

"Mini Motor, do you expect us to lay with you every time you freak out?"

"No! Of course not!" Spencer shot his older brother a dirty look.

"Well, if that's the case, you need some way to keep yourself calm," Aaron explained and offered a slight smile, "And it's nothing to be ashamed of. I wouldn't be surprised if you weren't the first to do something like this."

Spencer couldn't exactly reply to that because Aaron was right, but the thing was…

"And you shouldn't be rushing yourself if you want to ease yourself out of having to sleep with the light on Mini Motor," Sean added, "That monster's been around for a long time, it won't disappear overnight."

"He's right. You of all people should know how that type of trauma affects someone and you shouldn't be rushing your mind to heal."

Spencer's face heated up, knowing his brothers had a point and he didn't know it himself. Sighing, Spencer realized how exhausted he was as he felt his body crashing and he slouched a little.

"Come on now, it's late and I think we're all exhausted," Aaron said and stood up.

Spencer didn't argue with Aaron with that as be pulled away from Sean. Aaron shot Sean a look that caused Sean to back away just a bit as Spencer pulled off his glasses and stretched out. He didn't argue when Aaron pulled the blanket over him and he didn't argue when Aaron turned on the sude lamp.

"Night Mini Motor," he heard Sean say just as the main light was turned off.

"Night," Spencer mumbled and his eyes closed soon after.

It was the when Spencer learned that the light chased away the monster.

 **A/N: Yeah you can tell I'm rusty but I hoped you still enjoyed it. I explained on another story I had recently posted why I haven't been on and for those who come to read solely my Criminal Minds work and not my anime work I'll gladly re explain it so you don't have to go looking**

 **:)**

 **A combination of my dreadful enemy writer's block, RL issues involving family which includes the death of a cousin and declining health of my grandma who was a big part of my life (she isn't dead but she needs 24 hr care), and my laptop being stupid which holds the updates I was currently working on so I couldn't access them.**

 **As a way to help vent my frustrations I'm going back into the fanfic business but this might be a bit since I'll have to retype what I lost since my laptop is still a butt and I'll have to retype on my phone. Also instead of my usual update at once routine I'll be updating one at a time which should cut back time between updates somewhat.**

 **Thank you for those who still favored and followed my work and I do apologize for disappearing. Again hope you enjoy.**


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